"I wonder why my 8-week-old doesn't smile as much as hers." "My little girl started talking months before other children her age." Comparisons. They are dangerous and unrealistic, yet the temptation to indulge in comparing our children to others is generations old.
Consider Abraham. He and his wife Sarah had two sons, Issac and Ishmael. Sarah's favoritism of Isaac caused Abraham to banish his firstborn son from his home forever, with repercussions that last even today. All of that did not stop Isaac from comparing his own sons, Jacob and Esau, which also resulted in a broken home. And then Jacob, as a father himself, made a colorful coat for the son he favored over all his twelve children. And we know what kind of pit that carved for Joseph.
At our Play Group last week, we were all quick to agree that comparing our children (either to siblings or to other children) breeds insecurity, anxiety, and unrealistic pressures for both child and parent. Why, then, are we still tempted to match our children up to others? Here are our thoughts:
- Pride. Basically, we want to “win.” We want our child to be smarter, bigger, brighter, more pleasant, as though he or she were not a unique little being, molded by the perfect hands of Almighty God. Our children are not our creation. They are His. And they have been given to us for a short time, not to enter into a game or race, but to guide and nurture and teach them to love the Lord.
- We see our children as extensions of ourselves. We wrongly think we are evaluating ourselves! As though a child who sits up a little later than his peers gives us an F on our performance report cards, or a child who gets an early tooth earns us an A! It’s crazy, but it’s true. If we have fallen for the “performance trap,” our children will expose our insecurities. Perhaps that is God’s way of allowing us to discover that it's not what we do but who He is that gives us hope. We'll never be secure until we come to the realization that it is His grace that saves us, “not our works, lest any man should boast” (Ephesians 2:8).
- Concerns and fears. With all the information at our fingertips via physicians’ advice, countless websites, and well-meaning family and friends, we can be overwhelmed with charts and formulas that tell us what our children “should be doing.” So, we may try to gauge our child’s progress according to other children who appear normal or average.
What is a mom to do?
Relax. Understand that your child is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:13-14) by the Creator of the Universe, who knows and is willing to guide both you and your child. Enjoy your child and get to know him or her, and you will find yourself becoming more comfortable with your own child’s individual development. You will also be able to express a more pure form of unconditional love.
Let go of The Ideal. There is none. Your child is miraculously one-of-a-kind. Exclusive. Distinct. Matchless. Rare. Special. Enjoy and appreciate your child as God created him or her.
Give yourself permission to do what is right for your own child. As you relax, get to know your own child, and learn to appreciate his or her uniqueness, your confidence will build and you will know what your child needs or wants, regardless of how that compares to someone else’s child. One of our Play Group moms shared how she had decided to do some things the “old-fashioned way” rather than fall for all the latest gadgets or trends. Not only did she find a lot of things that work, but she may have started her own trend! Trust yourself as you entrust yourself to the One who is the Source of all wisdom.
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