ME? DEPRESSED?

“How can I possibly be feeling depressed?” It’s a question asked by a lot of new moms. But seldom out loud. It doesn’t seem to make much sense that a brand new baby, gifts and well wishes from family and friends, and grand plans for the future would result in depression. So, most moms suffer in silence, afraid to admit that, in fact, they are feeling depressed.

What causes this very common yet mysterious dilemma? Let’s look at a few possibilities and solutions.

Expectations.

No matter how meticulously a mother has planned for her new arrival or anticipated her new life as a mom, things are seldom as she thought they would be. There is simply no way to prepare for the jarring reality of life with a newborn. Let’s face it, the cheerful images envisioned while shopping for strollers, bottles and blankets often hold little resemblance to the sleepless nights, explosive diapers and endless feedings that make up real-life days with a newborn.

“This is just not the way I thought things would be/feel” is a common remark. And that is important for new moms to understand. It is common. You didn’t miss something. You didn’t fail to plan properly. You’re not missing any motherhood genes. Life is simply more challenging than you imagined it would be. So, what’s a mom to do?

Accept your new reality.
The first few weeks at home with your baby may not look anything like you imagined they would, but they are normal. Most moms who are honest will tell you they were surprised by how difficult those weeks were. Along with an overwhelming rush of the fiercest love they have ever experienced, most moms feel tired, afraid, and discouraged.

It is simply the way things are.

Paul shared his secret about being okay with whatever surprises life brought his way. He said, I don't say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me (Philippians 4:11,13). Follow Paul’s example. Ask God to give you strength to face these new circumstances. He will not only strengthen you, but in the process He will help you find a new definition for contentment.

Lower your expectations.
Put aside your ideas of how you expected life was going to be with your little one and take hold of life as it is. As hard as it may be to believe right now, this time of adjustment will pass quickly.

Let your house go! Forget about cleaning. Allow your visitors to climb over clutter. If they’re parents, they’ll understand. If they’re not, they don’t have a clue, so forgive their raised eyebrows. Take advantage of being a new mom with a perfect excuse for a messy house! Your excuse will run out soon enough.

Accept help.
Welcome meals offered by friends. Solicit advice (you don’t have to follow it, but gathering information from many sources can be helpful). Don’t feel like you should already know the answers. Your baby is unique, and there is no textbook that offers the perfect answer for every newborn. Call your baby’s physician and talk to a nurse (that’s what she’s there for, so don’t feel guilty).

Isolation

Another surprise most brand new moms experience is isolation. Immersed in what goes in one end of their baby and what comes out the other, a new mom has little time for emails, phone calls and text messages that used to keep her connected to family and friends. On top of that, recovering from a delivery or learning to breastfeed can be painful, exhausting experiences that may make a new mom shy away from long visits.

Even with a supportive husband, a new mom can feel alone with her feelings. Husbands are often dealing with their own fears and adjustments. Along with loss of sleep or at the very least new sleeping schedules, husbands may be battling their own insecurities about the newly placed affections of their wives. They may feel they have been banished from the throne of their palace to the basement.

Reach Out
When a new baby is born, friends and family members are normally hesitant about when to call or visit. They may not want to bother a sleeping baby (or mom) and may assume the days are taken up with feeding and playing. They are probably not aware of your desire for conversation. Call them. Let them know you need their friendship and/or their help. Your phone calls may last only a few moments, but they will let your friends know you want to stay connected.

The Bible says it best: A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones. Or, more literally: If you are cheerful, you feel good; if you are sad, you hurt all over [CEV] (Proverbs 17:22). While you’re healing, watch some funny stuff! Rent some comedies or funny re-runs. Also, listen to praise music. When my daughter was expecting, I purchased a small CD player and tapes with soothing praise songs. She set the player up next to her changing table, and she clicks the player on every time she changes her son’s diaper. Not only does the music soothe him, but it lifts my daughter’s spirits as she is reminded throughout the day that God is very present.

Be honest with your husband about how you’re feeling and allow him to be honest with you. Let him off the hook. He can’t possibly know how to be the perfect husband, especially when life as you’ve known it has been turned upside-down! He needs help understanding your frustrations. Pay attention to him in small ways to help ease his own feelings of insecurity. Let him know that he may feel like he’s playing second fiddle, but your love for him has not changed.

Fear

Few milestones in life are filled with as much fear as the arrival of a new baby. Every mom is afraid of failure, of not “measuring up” as a parent. Often combined with that fear is the guilt of not liking this new life. Most moms admit that, at least once, they felt an overwhelming urge to take their babies back and return to life as it was! The shame produced by those feelings can make new moms feel as though they have failed.

There are no perfect parents, so there is nothing to “measure up to.” Even parents of teenagers will admit to constantly feeling like they are navigating new territory each time their child enters a new phase. Children are unique, and there simply is no textbook that will produce either a perfect parent or a perfect child. Don’t beat yourself up. And don’t believe the lie that every other parent is doing just fine. They are learning just like you are.

Learn to laugh at yourself and ask for advice.
Expect to know nothing! Open yourself up to advice from trusted friends and family members, then sort through it along with your husband and make your best decision. Find a physician you trust and follow his or her advice, but remember that no one knows your baby like you do. Laugh at your mistakes. Even record them in your baby book. One day you’ll get a belly laugh from the very things that cause you so much frustration today.

Recognize your own need for a Parent.
The best thing we can do as parents is to be aware that we need help. We have a Heavenly Father who is the only perfect Parent. He can teach us everything we need to know and He will never leave us on our own. As a parent, we are most effective when we are willing to be parented. But I have learned to feel safe and satisfied, just like a young child on its mother's lap (Psalm 131:2).

Mothers with babies under one year should be aware of the symptoms of postpartum depression. www.4women.gov says that "depression can be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods. But true clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for an extended time."

For additional information:
http://www.4women.gov/FAQ/postpartum.htm#4
http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/women/pregnancy/ppd/general/379.html
http://www.babycenter.com/0_postpartum-depression_227.bc#articlesection1