...ALL THIS AND MARRIAGE, TOO?

Unless I'm a freak (careful, I'm sensitive about my freakishness!), then I'm not the only woman who had a hard time as a new mom trying to make my marriage work. It's a funny thing about new parenthood. The very things that made you feel like a team while you were expecting (the excitement about being new parents; gathering all the tools and paraphernalia you think will be required to meet every need of your little darling; attending childbirth classes; marvelling at the prospect of being a family) become the things that threaten to cause division (the exhaustion of being new parents; the paraphernalia and demands of your little darling; recovering from the trauma and physical consequences of childbirth; and deciding what it means to be a family).

When Mike and I had our firstborn, we were unprepared for the avalanche of unmet (and unrealistic) expectations we had set ourselves up for. I threw myself into being a mom and was immersed in all the details of feedings, changings, and rocking that overwhelmed my days and left me feeling tired and isolated. Mike, on the other hand, threw himself into being an excellent provider and worked insane hours to make our lives financially comfortable. At the end of about three months, we finally paused long enough to notice each other and realized we had become strangers. He thought our baby had become more important to me and that he was no longer needed; I thought he didn't understand or care about the daily frustrations of my life. I was hurt and he was perplexed.

What happened?

We were no longer a team. The very thing (our firstborn) that had made us acutely aware as expectant parents of our amazing opportunity to do this family thing together had divided us. From a spiritual perspective, it makes perfect sense. The enemy of our souls would like nothing more than for us to become so distracted with childrearing that we would forget that marriage is HARD WORK. There will never be a time (even after 30+ years -trust me on this) that you will not have to fight for your marriage. On this side of heaven, we live on a spiritual battleground, and if we let our guard down, we are done for.

So, what are new parents to do?

Accept the fight. Decide you cannot win unless you are on the same team. Then develop a strategy. A game plan. Put it on paper. For my analytical husband, the black-and-white made him feel he could conquer anything.

1. Go back to your vows. Confess your love to each other. Agree that you want to do whatever it takes to make your marriage not just good, but wonderful. Not just strong, but unmoveable.

2. Make a list of the five most important things your spouse could do to make this parenting thing easier for you. Only five. Not six. So choose carefully.

3. Ask God to help you. This is spiritual warfare and you have the Overcomer on your side. He wants you to win and He will move heaven and earth to help you.

More than anything, remember that this time in your life is a season. It will change. Just as the seasons on earth bring good and bad - rain and sun, breezes and humidity, chill and beauty - so do the seasons in our lives. Enjoy them. They don't last.